"I'm trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that's not easy to do. Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do. The best way for me to find myself as a person is to prove to myself that I am an actress."
-Marilyn Monroe
One of my favorite life quotes. Although I am not an actress nor will ever become one the quote resonates deep in my mind, in that place that sometimes feels so far away.
Finding myself...
There are days when the stress of the world seems to reside on my shoulders, burdening me with its heavy load of self doubt, obsession and fear. These are the kind of days I need to forcefully put my big girl pants on, tightly belt them at my waist, take a deep breath and gain the courage to face myself. These are the kind of days I need to stop doubting my ability as a mother, a partner, a writer, a lover. These are the kinds of days I have to ignore the voices in my head telling me I have to be perfect at each and every little thing I do. These are the days I feel overwhelmed, stressed out, unappreciated and eventually an emotional shell of a person. These are the days that I obsess about my weight, scrutinizing myself, knowing full well that the reality is I need to gain 10lbs. These are the days that I know my hormonal 30-something year old self is more than likely PMSing, more than likely overtired and more than likely needs a good smack on the butt to snap me back into reality.
Reality is, I create my own stress. I willingly take on the weight of the world. I willingly listen to the self doubt, obsession and fear. I hate to tell someone no. I hate to look like I can't handle a situation. I cannot ask for help. I do not allow myself to relax. Ever. I am a cliche, a woman and mother who forgets that she is a person just like all those she puts before herself. I always tell my kids that there is no such thing as perfection, that it is unattainable, yet I live my life trying to achieve it.
Finding myself has been a journey of more downs than ups and a few less traveled roads taken rather than sticking to the beaten path. Finding myself has been hard, tough, fun and a bitch.
"The truth about your own life is not always easy to accept, and sometimes hasn't even occurred to you. "
-Anna Quindlen
Life isn't supposed to be easy. Life is challenging. It is a rollercoaster of memories, laughs, highs, lows, tears and experience. Life is growing, learning, overcoming and love. Life is what you make of it. You can choose to live it or you can choose to stand on the sidelines. Life is a journey, one that is full of surprises and obstacles. Life is a maze of choices, each choice affecting the next until you make it to the finish. Life is about living, making tough decisions, happiness and fear. Life is about acceptance, perseverance and courage. Life is about love and compassion, heartache and grief. Life is about pulling yourself up by the laces, acknowledging your defeats, accepting the praise and embracing oneself.
Life is about finding yourself.
I may have moments of self doubt, obsession and fear but let me tell you something; there is no place I would rather be than where I am as a person today. I have traveled the unbeaten trail more times than I would like to admit. I have seen the bottom of the emotional well and have climbed back up. I have discovered the meaning of true love. I have accepted parts of my life in turn letting go of the baggage that has always trailed behind me. I have found the happiness and life I had always wished for...hoped for...yearned for.
"And as for the final sphere of love and friendship, I can only say it gets harder once the natural communities of college and home town are gone. It takes work and commitment, demands toleration for human frailties, forgiveness for the inevitable disappointment and betrayals that come even with the best of relationships."
-Doris Kearns Goodwin
Life and ultimately finding yourself is an evolving environment of change. A willingness to change, to adapt, to survive is key. We are our biggest cheerleader. We are the only ones who can change ourselves. We are the only ones who can be willing to live our life for ourselves. We are the only ones who can escape the darkness and voices that whisper in our heads because we are the ones who know that it is lies and more than likely those damn hormones talking...
I have been having those kinds of days. The self doubt, the obsession, the fear. I have given into the negativity for two days, not fully fighting it off or ignoring the whispers. I have doubted my ability as a writer. I have doubted my ability as a mother. I have been in a shitty, blah kind of mood. I needed something to smack me on the butt and kick start my brain into positive action....
This was my catalyst.
I have been nominated for not one but TWO Indie Chicks Badass Blog Awards! You may or may not know that I am a contributor to The Indie Chicks site and am honored to be nominated in both the Kick Ass Mommy Blog category and the Sex and Relationship category. If you love me (and which of you doesn't) would you mind casting a vote for me in one or both of the categories I am nominated in? All you have to do is click on the Badass Blog Awards picture above and in the top right corner of The Indie Chicks website, click on the Badass Blog Award banner. It will bring you to the ballot where you click on my name, Suburbia Interrupted and push vote.
I greatly appreciate each and every vote and thank you all for your support!