Shit Happens

When you live in South Florida, what seem like minor issues to most are MAJOR issues for us.

For example:

• Hurricanes in the Atlantic, Hurricanes in the Gulf. 
• Snow Birds (OMG! Is it time for them to migrate North yet?!)
• Air Conditioners that crap out in the middle of the night and (instantaneously) turn your house into a sauna.

This week has been one of those weeks that occurs maybe twice a year. This week has been one of those weeks where issue after issue, problem after problem pops up, some kind of major and all you can do is say Fuck. A. Duck a few times...and then a few more times...until you take a deep breath and give into the notion that sometimes, SHIT HAPPENS. 

I just wish that all this shit that did happen could have been somewhat considerate and spread itself over the span of a couple weeks. 

A 30-something gal, who BTW is being visited by Aunt Flo (who seems to be prolonging her visit...getting older is fucking fantabulous) can only handle so much crap before the load of shit gets to heavy. In other words, enough with the nasty karma already. I don't have a prescription for xanax. Hitting up the neighbors for some would only confirm what they (I am sure) already think...she's crazy.

After the day we had yesterday, I went to bed feeling like the climax of problems and issues had occurred, tomorrow was Friday, the finish line, the long weekend. Light at the end of the very long tunnel. 

I was wrong. The climax had not yet been reached.

I woke up this morning in an awesome mood. Leonardo DiCaprio was trying to charm me away from The Big Guy (it didn't work). All night long. I had one of those dreams where you wake up and fall back to sleep after checking the time and just like that, your dream picks up where you paused it. All night long I had two handsome, sexy men battling it out for my affection. I went on dinner dates, vacations, beaches and bars with both of my sexy suitors. It was the best dream ever. 

And then...I realized I was hot.

And not in a hot and bothered kind of way. The house was hot. The AC crapped out during the night. Fuck. A. Duck. I got the kids up and going. Made them breakfast. Made the lunches. I kind of wanted to cry. The shit ton of crap from the week was about to spill all over the kitchen floor. Luckily I decided to take a deep breath and remind myself that if I dropped the shit, I was the only one who would clean it up. I decided to take a deep breath in and remind myself that shit happens and I can't control it. All I could do was call the AC company back at 8:00 AM (how dare they not be open at 7:15) and hope a guy can get out here ASAP. 

Lucky for me, they can. And so I now wait for the AC guy, the window of arrival covers most of the day. Also lucky for me, the weather. Thank you South Florida for only going to hover around 92 degrees today, with no clouds in the sky and no breeze to circulate the air. And a big thank you to Aunt Flo for prolonging her visit and behaving in a super plus can't even handle you way....

...with the way the week has gone, I just know the second I go into the bathroom to make sure I am not about to dye my shorts a reddish tone, the doorbell will ring and I will have to make a split second decision as to whether I have time to replace the existing, about to be breached, support that is in place or chance that the new reddish hue will match my eye color....

Karma...don't be a bitch.

(As soon as I typed those words, the doorbell rang. No, no silly, it wasn't the AC guy. It was Jehovah Witness. OF COURSE IT WAS...)

Number 20 on my Bucket List: Think Before You Speak

Fifty percent of my life is spent over-analyzing and over-thinking a situation. 

The other fifty percent is spent not thinking before I speak and regretting what I said, whether it was mean, stupid or ridiculous.

Number 20 on the bucket list: find a common ground between these two extremes.

You guys know I have a pain in the ass neighbor right? He's the guy who spent three hours trying to replace his mailbox a couple of weeks ago after one of my boys plowed through the rotting post? The guy who is so fucking nosy and annoying and has an equally annoying child who always wants to be over here playing but always runs home to tattle on something...anything...he can. That guy. 

When I see he is outside I morph into a stealthy Seal Team Six member whose only objective is avoiding eye contact with PITA (his code name of course). When I am outside and he happens to pull into his driveway, I immediately drop what I am doing and rush inside the house until I know PITA has exited his car and confirmation can be made that he entered his house. We all have one of these neighbors.

After volunteering in the kindergarten class today, I had to face the music and go grocery shopping. I have avoided that grueling task for as long as possible. I couldn't put it off any longer. The fridge was empty and the kids were pissed that the small amount of junk food I do buy was gone, the only snacks left were various types of granola bars, Z Bars, varying nuts and seeds (bird food as the kids call it) and yogurt. The kids never complain about the granola and bird food; I guess if there is no "junk" to eat in between they notice. Whatever. All I know is, if I didn't go to the grocery store today, yours truly would probably not be here tomorrow. Mutiny would have occurred and I would be locked in their disgusting, pee ridden bathroom as torture. 

After putting all the groceries away, I noticed the recycle truck hadn't come by yet so I gathered all the cereal boxes and what not that I had emptied and walked to the end of the driveway to add them to the recycle bin. As I turned to walk back to the house, I glanced over and made eye contact with PITA. Crap. Shit. Fuck. A. Duck. 

He was now walking toward me and already talking...

PITA:  I wonder what (the lady across the street) is having done to her house. These construction guys have been here all day.

Me:  Not sure.

PITA:  I think I am going to go and check it out. Oh! Did you hear about that house over there....

I stopped him mid sentence.

Me:  Not doing this today. I am on the rag and not in the mood. 

PITA:  What? Do you need a rag? I have one in my garage I can get you.

Me:  No, I don't need a rag. (Eye-roll) Nevermind. I need to get inside. I will talk to you later.

PITA:  Okay. I am going to go check out what these guys are doing across the street.

And off PITA went, across the street to annoy his next victim. It has been thirty minutes and he is still talking to the construction guys....

I really need to work on my Seal Team Six training. And that bucket list of mine. I shouldn't have said what I did. At least he had no clue what the hell I was talking about. 

Number 20 on the list may never be crossed off.   

Admitting Your Problem is the First Step.

Hello. 

I am Suburbia Interrupted and I am a social media idiot.

 

I've taken the first step and admitted my problem. 

I live life in a contradictory way. I am a Type A personality as well its polar opposite. I am a neat freak and a slob. I am introverted and extroverted. I am a perfectionist who hasn't perfected anything. I am a blogger who knows nothing about blogging. NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH. ZERO. I am a social media idiot. For real. 

The extent of my blogging has, until now, been sitting at my laptop and emptying my mind of its thoughts. Some of what I write makes sense, some doesn't. Some resonates with others while some makes people wonder if I have a few screws loose. Some days I ramble on and on about cheese filled hot dogs (gross) and some days I take on the taboo subjects like sex and blow jobs or almost shitting oneself in a Sports Authority dressing room. Clicking on a link to my blog is like turning the crank on a jack-in-the-box. You never know what to expect. And just like the jack-in-the-box, my writing will either startle you or make you smile. 

Anticipation is part of the fun. 

I entered the blogging world anticipating little. I knew I would be the newest minnow in the gigantic pond that is the internet. What I didn't anticipate was people actually reading the words I wrote. Contradictory I know. I told you, I live my life in a contradictory fashion. I never anticipated the readership, the followers, the opportunities that other media sites have given me. It has been surreal, fun and I will be honest, stressful. 

Recently I have learned that blogging is so much more than writing. I know. I should have known that by now.

About a year ago my mother got a smartphone. Bye bye flip phone. The thing is, my mother didn't get an iPhone, she got whatever phone she got and I had no clue how to use it. Neither did she. Major problem. I couldn't easily explain the phone to her. I couldn't easily explain what an app was and where she went to download them. I couldn't find where her pictures went once she took a picture with her camera. My mother was now a clueless smartphone owner, who still doesn't use 95% of her smartphone features. I would laugh and snicker (behind her back of course) that she has turned into the older lady who can't understand the new technology. 

Fast forward to today...I am now the older lady who can't understand the new technology. 

Sigh...Deep sigh.

Over the last month or so I have been trying to become social media savvy. HAHAHA. I have joined the world of Google+. I joined Networked Blogs. I got a Facebook page for my blog. Thank goodness I have some great (and tech savvy friends) Molley (A Mother Life) and Lucy Ball (My Life as Lucille) who (step by step) slowly walked me through setting up each of the above mentioned accounts. I am sure some (well deserved) eye rolling at my social media learning disability occurred. The fact is, I am totally and utterly clueless as to what I am supposed to be doing when it comes to social media. I am sure if I did have a clue, I would be some big time hot shot freelancer by now but whatever...

Last night I was messing around on Google+ and noticed that my timeline hadn't refreshed in awhile. I also noticed that I was only seeing posts by maybe ten of the however many people I follow. What the hell was going on? Short answer: I have ONLY been seeing those same ten people's posts. I had been reading a list of ten people's names, not realizing that the rest of the Google+ers were posting/writing stuff. I seriously thought a lot of us were suffering some sort of writer's block outbreak. Nope. Just me, not knowing how the fudgsicles to use Google+.

After realizing my stupidity, I decided to make a list of all the other social media/blogging shit I should know about but don't. I also decided I needed to have won last weekends powerball just so I could hire a social media assistant so I don't have to strain my brain, pushing it to the limit, trying to comprehend all this new technology crap. Molley and Lucy, stop having a real life and get working on that book already (xoxo).

Why Suburbia Interrupted is a Social Media Idiot...

• What the hell is SEO? I have no clue.
• What the hell is a backlink?
• Why are there so many lists? How can I see what everyone posts in one place?
• There is a best time to post on your blog?!
• Cannot navigate Facebook...or Google+...(barely) Blogger
• The idea of adding Triberr to the list of sites I don't understand makes me stabby.
• I won't join Pinterest and everyone says it's a necessity.
• CSS what?!
• Self hosted...not self hosted...Wordpress...Blogger...Oh my!
• Can I make pages and post new posts to them?
• Unique page views...stats...analytics...head spinning.
• What the heck is no follow links?
• Page rank...Alexia rank...I am not that popular...
• Widgets makes me think of wedgies but not atomic wedgies.
• Keywords...tags...meta tags...permalinks...where did I put my cup of coffee?
• What the heck is a jump break?
• HTML yourself! Literally or Interpret...either or...
• Hootsuite Social Media Dashboard what?
• To review a product or not.
• Fees for products/services
• (Whatever number it says) errors
• Can't I just write and instantaneously take over the writing world?!?!?!?!

If you have any cool resources, tips, tidbits, smart ass remarks, eye rolling or advice, please leave a link to it in the comment section. I assume I am not the only social media idiot and your input may save a blog's life.